


The Dog Days Are Over

by glow_worm



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Crack Treated Seriously, Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, Silly, The Stolen Century, it's just puppy town, it's just.......it's just puppy town folks, no dogs were harmed in the making of this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:35:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23489953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glow_worm/pseuds/glow_worm
Summary: Welcome to Puppy Town!
Comments: 11
Kudos: 28





	The Dog Days Are Over

**Author's Note:**

> What can I say? It’s Puppy Town. It’s just…fucking…it’s just Puppy Town, folks.

The crew disembarked from the Starblaster, wary. The last two cycles had been extremely difficult.

It seemed like a normal planet—forests and mountains, lakes and little towns they could see from the ship.

They walked for a few miles to the nearest settlement, hoping the folks who lived there would be amicable.

In the distance, they could hear something that sounded like dogs barking.

Magnus crossed his fingers to wish very hard.

“Planet of dogs, planet of dogs, planet of dogs,” Magnus chanted quietly.

“Never stop dreaming,” Taako quipped.

Magnus always wished for a planet of dogs. It never seemed to happen, but the crew encouraged him—after all, it wasn’t statistically impossible.

Lucretia stopped in her tracks and drew her wand.

“Something’s coming,” she warned.

Magnus wrapped his hand around the handle of his axe.

A rustling came from nearby bushes, along with a mysterious whimpering and panting which grew louder and louder.

The team tensed, their weapons readied.

Three puppies tumbled out of the bush, playfully nipping at each other.

Magnus let go of his axe.

“Yes,” he whispered.

The puppies—which ran on four legs but wore clothes, two in overalls and one in a dress—saw the crew and charged forward, barking.

“Yes!” Magnus exclaimed.

The dogs leapt up, and Magnus allowed them to knock him over.

“YES!” Magnus yelled as puppies licked his face and trampled him.

“Well, shit,” Taako said, lowering his wand.

“Need help, buddy?” Barry asked.

“If this is how I go,” Magnus began with tears in his eyes. “This is how I go.”

One of the overall-clad puppies sat on Magnus’s chest wagging its tail happily until it did something no one expected.

It opened its mouth and spoke.

“Hewwo!” The puppy howled.

Taako raised his wand again, gritting his teeth.

“Absolutely not,” he said with derision.

Lup put her hand on her brother’s wand and lowered it down.

“Holy shit, they can talk!” Davenport said.

The dress-wearing dog yapped and sprinted over to the captain, jumping up at him until he conceded to pick it up so it could lick his face.

The third dog ran around in circles, jumping up and smelling each of the IPRE crew while shooting off questions.

“What are you! Where did you come from! You smell weird! Where are your tails! Why is your fur only on the top of your head!”

“Uh—” Barry began as the dog began to bite and tug at the cuffs of his jeans. "You’ve never seen anything that looks like us before, huh?”

“Noooooo!” The little dog howled. “But we’ve never left Puppy Town before...maybe Mom and Dad have?”

Lucretia couldn’t help but smile, scratching underneath the chin of the rambunctious pup.

“Did you say _Puppy Town_?” Magnus squealed.

“That’s our village!” The puppy on his chest answered happily. “Are you new to town?”

“If they’re not from Puppy Town they must be from Rover Ridge!” One exclaimed.

“No, no, I bet they’re from Barkborough!”

“I can’t,” Taako breathed.

“Barkborough?!” A puppy exclaimed. “What’s it like in the big city? What brings you to Puppytown?”

“Uh—” The captain began, but he was cut off by a deep howl sounding off in the distance.

“Dad’s calling us,” said the dog on Magnus’s chest before leaping off of him. “Let’s go.”

“I dunno,” the dress-wearing dog started. “Maybe we should have him come here instead. So he can smell these guys.”

“Good idea, Bits,” an overall-clad dog answered. It then sat back and threw its head into the sky with a squeaky “Awooooo!”

The two other puppies joined in the howling.

Magnus sat back up, grinning from ear to ear.

“Wipe that smile off your face,” Taako said. “They’re calling for backup.”

“They’re _dogs,”_ Magnus asserted with exasperation.

“That’s exactly what they want you to think,” he retorted.

Magnus gently pulled up the floppy ears of the puppy closest to him and looked up at Taako expectantly.

“What else would you call this?!” he asked.

“A trap,” Taako said.

“An _adorable_ trap,” Lup added with a shrug.

The deep howl grew closer and closer as the crew bantered. Davenport subtly raised his wand towards the sound, just to be safe.

The puppies ceased their call, then all three began to bound towards a large oak tree.

From behind the tree stepped a full-grown adult dog, walking on two legs and wearing a tweed suit and cap. He was a tricolor hound, and as he appeared he stopped howling. The puppies jumped up at him, sniffing and licking him. He gave each one a good sniff before suddenly locking directly on to the crew. He pointed at them, and stared without blinking.

“Dad!” A puppy exclaimed. “Meet our new friends!”

“Friends?” Dad dog repeated, still staring the crew down.

“Yes, we sniffed them and they gave us scratches and rubs,” Another puppy said. “And now we’re best friends.”

Dad dog relaxed. “Oh,” he said. “I see. Hello!”

Davenport lowered his wand somewhat awkwardly. “Uh, hi,” he said. The dog, on his hind legs, was a solid foot taller than the gnomish captain.

Magnus jumped back up to his feet and exclaimed, “Hail and well met, Dad Dog!”

“Oh, please,” he replied. “Dad Dog was my father. My name is Barkley.”

“We’re gonna die,” Taako whispered. His sister shushed him.

Barkley approached Magnus, his tail wagging behind him. “And these are my pups: Peanutbutter, Kibbles, and Bits.”

The kids yapped happily before continuing to romp and play with each other.

Barkley sniffed around Magnus, who knelt down so Barkley could get a solid lick across his face.

Magnus began to ugly cry.

“Hey Mags, want me to kill you so you can die happy?” Taako offered. “I’ll do it.”

“I don’t know what you folks are,” Barkley said thoughtfully. “But I think I love you already? Come on back to the village, you must be hungry. Come on. Come on!”

Barkley beckoned as he began walking, two of his pups playfully following behind him. Peanutbutter tugged at the cuffs of Magnus’s pants, so Magnus followed too.

The rest of the crew hung back, exchanging wary glances.

“Fifty GP says this is a trap,” Lup said. “Like, for real.”

“A talking dog named his kids Kibbles and Bits?” Taako mused. “Yeah, this is absolutely a trap.”

“...I do like dogs,” Barry noted.

“Natch, everyone loves dogs, dogs are great,” Lup said. “But what are the odds?”

“We’ve seen plenty of impossible things before,” Davenport pointed out.

Merle was already going after Magnus. “Y’all are a bunch of ninnies,” he remarked. “The IPRE will face off against an all-consuming living Hunger but not investigate some fantasy-Beatrix-Potter-ass dogs?”

“I didn’t say we _shouldn’t_ investigate,” Lup clarified, following suit. “I mean worst case scenario, Barry and I lich it up. I’m just saying it's suspicious.”

Lucretia sighed and followed Magnus and Merle without further comment. Barry and Lup trailed along.

Taako lingered back before rolling his eyes. “I am not spending this cycle baking dog treats,” he said. “I want it on the record now.”

* * *

They approached the village and saw a large wooden sign, decorated with colorful paw prints that read:

“Welcome to Puppy Town!”

“We’re here!” Barkley announced. “Feel free to have a good sniff around. Our cottage is that one with the chimney smoking over there,” he pointed to a quaint house. “You’re more than welcome to come to dinner later, but if you’re hungry now the Barkery is right down the street.”

“The Barkery,” Taako repeated, monotone.

“Yes!” Barkley said. “You know, where you get treats and kibble and bread?”

“If I die here,” Magnus cried. “Just let it happen.”

The town was peaceful, and the crew was investigated by just about every dog they passed. There were many questions, and even more sniffing and petting.

Over the next few months, they learned a lot about the dogfolk. They had magic and classes. Instead of races, they had “breeds” and certain breeds had certain traits. There were beagle wizards, shiba barbarians, pit bull clerics. It fascinated the crew. It was a very research-heavy cycle.

Young puppies walked on all fours, and began to transition to being bipedal in their teenaged years. Adult dogs mostly walked on their hind legs, but would run with all four if the need arose.

There were no gerblins or imps here, but there were pesky squirrels. Barkley was absolutely _vexed_ by these pestersome creatures, but to the crew…they were just literal squirrels that stole the occasional cherry pie from a windowsill.

Lup and Taako were disappointed to learn that there wasn’t too much to say in the way of cooking and baking here. Luckily the food wasn’t gross or too weird, but there were no new recipes to be learned. The dogfolk’s diets were fairly similar to humans, save for the biscuits, mostly eating bread and meat and fruit—though they were very adamant that no grapes were allowed in Puppy Town.

It was mostly a relaxing cycle, a welcomed reprieve after multiple trying years. They went on walks, studied a few cantrips that were unique to this world, gave belly rubs, and played.

Fisher stayed inside of the Starblaster, however, as Lucretia was worried the dogs would try to eat him.

The IPRE were hailed as heroes after they managed to teach a few of the more competent wizard dogs the _Silence_ spell—something that was previously undiscovered on this plane. It proved very useful during a thunderstorm a few months in.

About halfway through the year, while on a brief break from searching for the Light, it was brought straight to them.

Magnus was in the town square, whittling away at a stick while a few younger dogs watched with watery mouths.

An adult dog charged forward on all fours, his clothes dirty and slightly tattered. In his mouth he carried a familiar _glow._

He brought it forward to Magnus, tail wagging furiously.

Magnus reached out and the dog placed the Light of Creation in his hand. It was covered in slobber.

“Holy shit, you found the Light!” Magnus exclaimed.

The dog looked up at him expectantly, sitting back on his hind legs.

“Thank you so much,” Magnus said. “Uh...who’s a good boy?”

His tail thumped hard against the ground.

“I am!” The dog said. He paused thoughtfully and his tail slowly stopped wagging. “Please throw?”

“I’m dead,” Taako said. He began walking back to the ship.

“Oh!” Magnus smiled awkwardly. “Well, we...we kinda need this one, buddy, but—here—”

Magnus picked up a stick.

The dog jumped up, ready to run.

With a hearty throw Magnus yelled, “Go fetch!”

* * *

After they’d secured the Light, Barry and Lup had a few new lab partners.

A yellow lab, a brown lab, and a black lab.

It was only fair to let the dogfolk study the Light too. After all, they would survive the Hunger. Perhaps with the Light they could make their own scientific advances, and learn and grow as a species.

The crew did explain the Hunger/Light/IPRE situation to the dogfolk in hopes of making things easier on them, but only the smartest among them really understood. Still, Magnus gave some combat training to as many dogs as he could, aiming to protect them. The plan was to get out as soon as the Hunger showed up, hoping that the Hunger would do minimal damage before following them away from the plane. But just in case any of the dogfolk needed to defend themselves, Magnus helped them build their strength. One particularly feisty Pomeranian barbarian attended every session.

* * *

One night late in the cycle, Lucretia was interviewing an elderly Irish Wolfhound. It was dark out, but he wanted to go for a walk. They strolled by the lake and Lucretia asked various history questions, wanting a firsthand account, when suddenly he stopped. The reflection of something on the lake had caught his eye. He followed the reflection and looked up into the sky, at the full moon.

He began to howl.

Lucretia smiled and documented the incident with amusement before she started to hear howling call from all over the village, from dogs small and large.

“Why do you howl at the moon?” She asked sweetly once the old dog had ceased.

He suddenly looked very serious.

“We dogfolk are of the sun,” he said. “The catfolk are of the moon. Now—most folks say there’s no such thing as cats. And maybe not, here. But you said yourself: there were dogs back on your home planet. So who’s to say there aren’t cats?”

Lucretia held back the urge to inform him.

“Cats may lay in the sun. And dogs may howl at the moon. We may dream of and admire the moon, but we may never touch it. We howl to remind ourselves of this. Every full moon, we sing its praises. But we can never, _never_ touch the moon.”

“…But your scientists are studying space travel. Laika just got her dogtorate in astrophysics, she wants to be a cosmonaut. What would happen if they explored the moon?” Lucretia questioned.

“The apocalypse.”

“ _Huh?_ ” she blinked.

The wolfhound nodded, sorrowful.

“Lucretia,” he addressed. “You are an inter-planar traveler. But this is a universal constant. No matter how much we howl, no matter how far into space we go. Whatever you do, wherever you go: dogs must never touch the moon. Promise me you’ll do your part to uphold this.”

“Right,” she promised, grim. “No dogs on the moon.”

* * *

The end of the cycle approached, and the IPRE was greeted with a sea of puppy-dog eyes as they boarded the Starblaster for the last time. The crew had explained what was going to happen multiple times—there was nothing more they could say.

Magnus had wanted to stay back and help the dogs fight, but both the rest of the crew and some of the leaders of the dogfolk said it would be harder for the dogs to understand what was going on if Magnus stayed behind and then suddenly disappeared when the Light took him.

So when the grass turned the telltale shades of gray and the sky grew darker and darker, the crew said their goodbyes and prayed that Puppy Town would be spared.

As soon as the bond engine allowed, the Starblaster took off. And, as they’d hoped, the Hunger hadn’t even hit the ground yet—and they followed the ship without so much as touching Puppy Town.

For once, the crew was absolutely certain: they had saved an entire plane, and not even one creature in it was harmed.

**Author's Note:**

> Look. I’m quarantined with, like, a lot of dogs, guys. They can’t all be winners.


End file.
